Dear Gina, Ashley, Lily, and Ben,
I met your husband/dad when he was still a teenager, headed for manhood and in college. I was his young professor, and I was newly diagnosed with an advanced stage of cancer. Over the years of my teaching and then later providing a new service for people with cancer, I had thousands of students and clients. The vast majority of them were good, smart, and inspiring people, each with their own unique strengths. But only a small handful had qualities and inclinations that led to our development of a relationship that was so close and meaningful as to endure for years. John was tied for first place in my heart at the top of that list. I had the honor and privilege of witnessing his deep intuitive brilliance, his heart that virtually overflowed with passion and commitment to those who were lucky enough to earn a place there, and his ability to live life fully in all of its pleasures, amusements, joys, mundane experiences, frustrations, and the things that produce great sadness. He welcomed life in all of its fullness, knowing that you can't fully experience the available joys without also acknowledging and feeling the difficult and painful parts of life as well. Which is to say that he made the most out of life. And he lived it with strength, zest, gentleness, humility, and, always, integrity. Furthermore, predictably, he chose for his life partner someone with those same attitudes and abilities, and skillfully encouraged the same in his own students and you, his children, and, I'm sure, his other family members and friends, when he came of age. I had the great pleasure of watching him grow into the man he became and the incredible luck to be given a lasting connection with him. There was so much that he did and became that made me proud and that continually deepened my admiration and love for him. At the same time, he remained to the end the very same person I originally got to know in those long classroom discussions and personal phone calls so many years ago. Gina, Ashley, Lily, and Ben: Each one of you knows this person from your own angle, and I feel certain that each of you will not only carry him in your heart for the rest of your lives and that he will be available to you in that way to continue to comfort, nurture, and love you, but also that each of you, in being yourself, contributed hugely to his life, gave him immense joy and pride, and helped him to be the person he was. It will be immensely difficult for all of us who loved John to adjust to being without his physical presence, but most acutely difficult for you. Even though I am a psychologist and have the advantage of many years experiencing life, it will take me a long time to digest, nevermind "accept," the terrible, tragic reality that it was 35 years to the day after the diagnosis of my own cancer when you let me know that John was at the end of his journey. The only way I can tolerate this unspeakable unfairness is to commit to keeping him in my heart and to continue to draw comfort, inspiration, and strength from his spirit. You four will undoubtedly be able to do the same thing more intimately than the rest of us, because you are his wife and children. In the meantime, the rest of us hold you in our hearts as you work your way through the deep and painful grieving of his physical departure. God bless you and all of your extended family.